Living in Frames, by meshing the lyrical moments of life with the captured images of experience. This is a reverie, a journey, the fork in the road, and the never-ending story....

Monday, October 28, 2013

being free and expressing want

Having moved so much over the years, sometimes I find myself getting antsy for new settings. Some people choose to move forward and grow in various ways, through relationships, career changes, and education. And then there are others who actually need to get up and go, physically altering their state of affairs. I am one of those who has historically been "a mover and shaker", changing my locale and shaking things up a bit in the process. For those that can't fathom moving 29 times, I can't fathom who I would have turned out to have been if I had stayed put in one spot for an extended duration.
Some of this is rooted in me still trying to decide where I want to "end up" or "settle", two terms I use loosely, because I don't really know what they mean. All I know is that I have witnessed mature individuals taking part in this settled way of life, and part of me sometimes romanticizes having this for myself. And then the other part, the wistful side, has a terrible aversion to commitment of any sort. Talk of babies and marriage, makes me squirm like nothing else. I desire freedom, while I attempt to seek some semblance of direction.
When I am in the city, I want the country. When I'm in the country, I want all the goings-on of the city. If I try to remember if I have always felt this way--indecisive about where I want to be at any given point--well, I realize I have never exactly been vocal about what I want, but rather just accepted my uncertainty as part of my natural character. "To want" always felt greedy. "To need" was easier to justify as part of my biology. Then here I am, skeptical often with one foot in the door and one foot out (ready to take off and run at a moment's notice). To fight or flee? And on the other hand, I come up with these grandiose notions about the special kind of person who will appeal to (and satisfy) my domestic side.
Lately, I've been looking at maps and researching possible destinations of where I could see myself next. But then, when I meet new people locally, who are doing some pretty hip things (farmers and artists and couples) my practical sense kicks in and says, "You don't have to travel halfway around the globe to keep your passions alive." Sometimes staying put and engrossed and connected to a community, opens up opportunities and experiences that are much more accessible and rewarding, than packing up your whole life to wander aimlessly about seeking that which you don't yet know that you want.
"the only way to deal with an unfree world is to become so absolutely free that your existence is an act of rebellion." - albert camus

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